What they don’t tell you about a threesome [FMF]

It's been a weird year for me sexually. I got out of an almost decade long relationship filled with deviant, rough sex. That does weird things to you when you get back out there.

I'm head over heels for the first person I started dating, like an idiot. The sex is fine. Serviceable. We're both getting off, we both have an idea of what the other likes.

But he never really gets into it, never really let's go. I ask him why and he says it's "because of who you are". Whatever that means. He says that he can't fuck me the way he wants to, that he respects me too much.

Holy fucking red flag. I almost don't want to ask the follow up question, but I have to know.

"Do you… respect women less after you fuck them?"

"No, of course not!" He's offended. "That's the really weird part. I don't think that at all."

I believe him. He asks me if I remember the scene in the Sopranos where Tony is talking about cheating on his wife Carmela. They ask him why he has a girlfriend.

"I do things with her I can't do with my wife."

"Why can't you do them with your wife?"

"Hey, that's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?"

He says this is how most men feel about their girlfriends.

God. How did men get so fucked up?

I decide to hold my tongue on two things. One, I'm not your girlfriend. Two, that scene is actually from Analyze This.

I feel too sexual and not sexual enough all at once. Or like my sexuality is just wrong. The question of our sex becomes a bruise that won't go away.

I still fuck other people. Their desire feels good. They tell me all the things they like about my body, the things they like about how I am. Each one is a small bandaid over the bruise. I can still see the outline of it though, bleeding beyond the nude-ish plastic. It's shape is organic and real, and the bandaids are standard-issue square. I go around collecting them, all slightly different colors. All too small and too surface to really do anything at all.

I know what they like. Each of them different, but also the same. I submit to each of them differently, but also kind of the the same. How can I not understand these things about him? It makes no sense. Sometimes I wonder if this is just me self-sabotaging, my favorite sport. Sometimes I wonder maybe it's not that deep, maybe he just doesn't like fucking me.

I think a threesome is a just another way to make sense of all of this. I can't just keep fucking him without understanding. I can't keep getting the connection I need from other people. Ironically, that means fucking someone else.

I'm sitting at a table with him and a chick he was dating previously. Her dark hair is cut in cool way that frames her pretty face. I see her hands. I see the way her lips show her top teeth instead of her bottom teeth when she talks, a weird thing I've always liked. She continually surprises me during this conversation. We're more similar than I thought we'd be.

It becomes more obvious that this is happening. We go back to his place. We're all sitting on the couch. He kisses me, and then her. And then her and I kiss each other. She unbuttons my shirt and takes it off. She's soft, but direct, which I like. I sense that we both have a similar enthusiasm for sex.

We move down to the floor with me ontop of her. It's much softer than being with a man. I like it. A lot.

"Oh my god this is fucking amazing." I say in between kissing her. "I can't believe you get to be with women every time." I say to him.

I'm not even sure where he is. This is so good that he has kind of ceased to exist. Every dude has ceased to exist. Swear to god, I might not go back.

Her and I move to his bed and we have the best 69 I have ever experienced. This feels so good. We're both licking each other's pussies and asses and it's sending me into another dimension. I like the way she is- sexual, brave and shameless. I love the tattoos on her skin and how her body feels. I slip two fingers inside her and watch how she reacts. Her moans are soft and deep, coming from somewhere dark inside her.

I tell her that she has such a nice pussy. Going down on her is amazing. I could do it for days. I can't get enough of me inside her. Hands, tongue. I wish my mouth was bigger so I could devour more of her. I hold my palm up near her face and tell her to lick it the way she likes her pussy licked. I want to know her. I want to know what she likes. I feel her tongue on my hand, it's slow and broad. I match what she's doing with my tongue on her clit. I try to burn it into my memory so I can do it how she likes over and over again.

I am high on lust and dopamine.

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