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• January 9, 2025

  Jack

  You have been together for 3 years, and he has earned your love and trust during that time (I would think), as you stated he has always been sweet and caring. You love this man, because even when writing about something he did at the moment he brought you to your peak of sexual arousal, he quietly whispers a word in your ear, For 3 years this man has done everything right, when even at a time you are angry with him, you gave him the respect of character by using the words “making love” instead of “having sex” or the more often and commonly used term “f@#king”. After a seemingly perfect 3 year relationship with a white guy whom you love and trust, at a moment in time where you both are at the highest heights of intimacy, passion and sexual pleasure, as he hears your moans of gratification become one last loud, and very ego boosting, strong emotional orgasmic cryout to announce that you have reached the summit, you climbed the mountain and you conqured, and might I add that the mountain you climbed that brought you to its and your peak, was snow capped, meaning it was white. I say this for a reason, because of all the opportunities he had to let that word pass his lips, he did it at a time that he thought he was safest from causing harm to you, but instead he got treated as if he was any other white guy who uses that word in its negative context. For him, your relationship is as strong as the words that cover the pages of a best selling novel, where those black colored words are written on white paper, joining harmoniously together throughout a course of time, creating chapters that define their meaning. As more words are written, more chapters bring to light a storied journey, from beginning to the end. It takes 40 thousand words for a book to be even considered a novel, most novels have 50 to 60 thousand words. Do you understand what I am trying to highlight here? Your boyfriend has never treated you or the relationship as being something about color, he valued the story, the words have a meaning, and because of that meaning, he paid more attention to being a good boyfriend because the relationship he has with you is more important than anything else, just like nobody really pays attention to the fact that most novels are wriitten with black ink on white paper, they just are, and together, black and white have told millions of stories, without the color of the ink and paper ever being controversial. That’s how your boyfriend respects you, but for some reason, even after 3 years, and at a time that could cause a great deal of damage to your relationship, this total out of character act of using the N word, a word you have used many times, and have heard others say millions of times, but because it came out of a white boys mouth, you say no-no you are not saying that to me, escalating it from 0 to 100 in a rage of anger you assaulted him with, never even giving him a chance to explain. You did not think of the words, you cared even less about the story, You said “I ain’t talkin to you” and left it there, as purely as the sun lights up the day, you think more about the color, and you jumped at the first opportunity, as if he severely disrespected you, or worse, defamed you. I know this because I experienced this, almost to the point of word-for-word, except we had been together for 6 years, since my sophomore year in high school For years, I listened to her dad telling her to find a good N to love, but I never let any of his, or others, words get in the way of what mattered the most, her! During a nationally televised game, I had to move positions from fullback to tailback in the second quarter because of injuries. When the game was over, I had 153 yards rushing with 2 touchdowns and 86 yards receiving with the game winning 80 yard touchdown on a screen pass. I went from nobody to national sports headlines in a matter of hours, largely due to us beating an AP Top 5 ranked team, Notre Dame. For the first time, my girlfriend’s father invited me to his home to watch the Steelers Game. I met the grandparents, aunts and uncles, and many cousins. I even met some of her father’s friends and co-workers. What changed? Sure, my previous day’s accomplishment helped, but it wasn’t what pushed me into being accepted. As her father’s dad told me, I did something black enough for them to say “he a N”. In time, her father and I became closer, he even came to my home games, and traveled to watch me play in 2 bowl games. It was at the 2nd bowl game, the Sugar Bowl, where with her father’s permission, I proposed to my girlfriend, who was a cheerleader, on the field prior to the game’s kickoff. Three months later, after a large arguement on the way back to the campus after eating at my fiancee’s parents, her being angry because her father told her to help her mother clean-up after dinner, because lord knows you need tons of practice being a good N for this boy after you’re married. She was mad at me, and I didn’t know what to say. Sitting at a red light a few blocks from our dorm, she starts yelling at me again, telling me to never refer to her as “my N”, and without yelling, I told her that for 6 years, never have I said that word, and that it was not me who said that word, your father called you “my N” not me! For the first time that word came out of my mouth, and she jumped on it, smacked me on my face, told me how much she isn’t my N, got out of my car throwing her ring into the street, and ran the opposite way. It took me and a lady who was behind me and witnessed it all about an hour when she found it near her passenger side door, meaning it hit a passing vehicle when she threw it, and it bounced back under her car. The next day, she came to my room and as I closed the door after letting her in, she just stood there, not saying anything. I break the silence, I her that I had her ring, strongly emphasizing the word “HER”. She said thank you, and through a lot of “ummms” told me she needs to time, that she needs think, well… I told her I understood what made her upset yesterday, and that I loved and cared about her, and that if she needed time to think, okay, or if she needs to talk, that’s okay to, She turned and opened the door, and half turned back towards me, her eyes never looking up towards me, pausing for a moment before saying “just” and a long “ummm”. I told her I was here, and she was welcome when she was ready. She said okay, soon, okay, and those were the last words of the girl I wanted to be with forever. It took me a long time to get over the break-up, even with her dad apologizing many times to me, but it didn’t help because the story meant so much more to me, and to her, I wasn’t a story she wanted to write. Is that true of you? Is your boyfriend important enough to have him be the main character of the novel that is your life? The correct action you should have taken would have been saying to him in a casual but meaningful way, “hey, that word you whispered in my ear as you brought me to, you know, anyway, that word, let’s not explore that any further, but everything you did prior to saying that word, you are free to explore anytime, anyplace, anywhere, I am yours, I’m just not that word.”